All hail the badass. They are the toughest SOBs around. It’s King Leonidas in 300 and Furiosa in Mad Max. And being macho became a goal.
And it shows in our lives. For example, I worked a few blocks from where I got off the subway. Rainy days weren’t uncommon, and I wore a light rain jacket when I remembered. I showed up with rain spots and wet hair when I didn’t. But some days, it would RAIN. I tried to scamper between buildings and hide under overhangs. Those days I got soaked.
But I dealt with it. Use an umbrella? Psh, that wasn’t macho. You have to be tough if you’re going to be stupid.
We’ve glorified the badasses of yesteryear: Joan of Arc, King Arthur, and the dude from the Princess Bride. And when knights roamed the countryside, chivalry and valor were essential traits. Battles were commonplace, and putting duty first was courageous. Knights were warriors.
We aspired to these virtuous heroes because when problems arise, they lead everyone through. So the hero is lauded, and the rest of us emulate them. To be a hero is the dream of children everywhere. We want to be someone others count on, particularly in difficult situations.
Life is tough, and suffering is part of the ride. So we have to get tough to make it through. Macho is the answer to life’s difficulties – we dig in and get sturdy alongside it.
Macho’s roots started with the ideal role to play in communities, including bravery, courage, strength, wisdom, and leadership.
We’ve aimed at macho as an expression of our best selves. How else are we to face the tolling bell?
But somewhere, macho shifted to dominance and aggression. And we began to aspire to the hardcore at the expense of character.
We turned the asshole into something worth being.
Take the Mafia and their code. It’s all the toxicity anyone could conjure. They coerced people, used power, and destroyed to get what they wanted.
Imagine a group of youths who a different group has slighted. One aims to go to the offending group’s place and fire at them. And the group members join in and go along despite knowing violence is wrong. If they said no, they’d lose face and appear weak. So they macho up and go along.
This is shown well in A Bronx Tale. a 17-year-old Italian-American who has gotten friendly with the mob has a group of friends in conflict with an African-American neighborhood. The black boys egg the Italian-Americans’ spot in retaliation for their beating. In response, the Italian-Americans make Molotov cocktails to strike back. The protagonist goes in the car with them, despite trying to protect the other group during a previous fight. He can’t appear weak in front of them. At the last moment, he’s pulled from the car by an adult friend. His companions carry out the attack, but one of the Molotov cocktails is thrown back at their vehicle, and they all die.
Is that the tough-dude attitude of which we’re so keen?
When a decisive moment comes, acting ‘hard’ often contradicts doing right.
The macho has conquered stadiums, bars, and far corners of the internet. More than that, our music, films, and the far corners of the internet reflect putting the asshole on a pedestal. Our media glorifies violence, disrespect, and recklessness.
And there’s rampant violence amongst our athletes, who try to exemplify our macho idea. There are endless stories of shootings, domestic violence, sexual misconduct, and drunk driving.
What happened to our courage, bravery, and toughness? Have our lives become so easy that we’ve gotten *gasp* soft? Regardless of gender, many want to be ‘the man‘ instead of a responsible adult. And we’ve applied what should be virtues as vices.
Watch a sporting event; folks beating their chests fill the stadium, asserting they are the toughest.
And that machismo expresses itself as violence between opposing supporters outside stadiums. Teams play in front of empty stands because of fear people will attack each other to express their love for their team.
Apparel stands around Boston sell ‘Kyrie is a Douche’ shirts (I’m not linking) to express their dislike of a former basketball player in the city. So instead of cheering their people on, folks express their passion for their team by hating an ex-lover. They’s fighting words.
Another example is the bar at closing time. Everyone shows off how cool, how macho they are. Women show the boys they can drink with them. Boys are catcalling those girls.
And I’m not immune. I was outside one of those bars hailing a cab home. As everyone left at once, cabs were in high demand, and I wasn’t in the mood for patience. A group of guys upstreamed us, moving further down the street so they’d get a cab before us. I was feeling myself and chirped them, causing a back and forth. Somewhere in there, a girl from my group said something, no doubt defending me, and the other boys had chosen words about her. The Macho Man in me couldn’t have that.
It wasn’t the first time someone said something rude to a woman that triggered my ‘chivalry’.
As they got into their cab, the door was still open as the last one slid in, and I pulled him out with one hand and squared him up with the other. The kid went down, and as his buddies got out of the car, I caught a bit of fight-luck. They both went after my friend, tackling him on the street. Another cab had to pull up short to stop from running all of them over. It bounced back on its wheels as it laid on the horn. While they pinned my friend, I got a few shots off from over them before a security guard broke things up. Then, we scampered home, threatened by the police.
What tough guys.
At our apartment, other friends joined us as we laughed about the escapade, high on adrenaline. Blood was on my buddy’s shirt, but he wasn’t cut or bleeding.
I hope the other kids got home alright too.
I let some misconstrued sense of righteousness and toughness cause me to act stupid. That’s not how to be a person of character.
We’ve misconstrued courage, bravery, and toughness as recklessness, pride, and being a jerk. As a result, we see the pinnacle as macho instead of a person of character. But true machismo is acting with wisdom and leadership in addition to bravery and strength. It’s doing the right thing, even when everyone else wants you to do the wrong thing.
Take Socrates, who Athens executed for living his values. Yet, he continued his questioning during his trial instead of fighting back. And he went willingly to his fate instead of escaping. Now that is a badass.
John Wooden said, “Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” So when have you sacrificed who you are to impress others?
I worked in finance because I thought the problems were interesting. I also did because it’s where the dudes were, finance bros. That chest-pounding, chanting world of the Wolf of Wall Street. Would I have chosen a different profession if I wasn’t concerned with being macho?
Being tough isn’t drinking coffee black, your tenth drink of the night, or stepping on people; it’s doing extra for a partner when the baby is crying again when you haven’t had a whole night of sleep in a week.
Courage isn’t being rude to a server; it’s leading with trust when you have nothing to gain from someone.
Bravery isn’t joining the ride-along to cause mischief with buddies; it’s being willing to say no to something against your values.
We’re not hunting mammoths anymore, and most of us haven’t set foot on a battlefield. But, even there, people faced beasts so their community could eat. Soldiers that charged recklessly into battle endangered their comrades, while the brave sought to save them.
And we need those things the macho should represent – those willing to face danger for what is right, do difficult things, and step forward when everyone wants to step back.
To be clear, I’m imploring you to be macho – in the right way. And we need it more than ever. And it’s not limited by gender or origin.
We need all people to do what is right. Because what happens on a small scale reaches its tentacles to the world’s stage.
This thread isn’t about neutering men and women of toughness; it’s realigning the definition so that we get what we’re after instead of getting lost along the way.
These days I’ve given up the Macho Man routine. My sister rides the Harley; I write on the internet, plant flowerboxes, and talk to my family. It’s as difficult as trying to keep my umbrella from turning inside out.
And when I squint from under that umbrella, I can just see the view the 300 had beneath their shields.
